I don’t just wantyour heart
I want your flesh,
your skin
and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts
your pulse
and most of all your
fingerprints,
everywhere.
— Isobel Thrilling

Scarlette is absolutely undoubtedly the most gorgeous woman on the planet. I covet her confidence and the sex-appeal that radiates from her.

Saturday was even more intense than Friday. I had my first day of work, and had to go in hungoever. I won't complain, that was my own doing. Later that night I met with everyone again and we went back to the house. Sam was there and we were friendly but that was the extent of it, the chemistry was gone. Good ridance! I really did think that girls and boys had the same sex drive, but I had no idea. Then I came to college. I ended up much drunker than the night before, and I ran into so many people and I was SUCH a flirt. I held hands with this guy Patrick most of the night, but I never hooked up with him cause I could see he was far too drunk and I didn't want slober all over my face. There was another guy, I think his name is Keith?? I don't know, but he kissed me and I didn't like it but I went along with it cause I was too drunk to do anything about it. Luckily, I only had to deal with it for a minute or two, when I heard my friends getting ready to leave I BOLTED downstairs and joined them. When we got back to campus, Aaron volunteered to walk me back to my dorm. We were walking and talking about sex stuff, but not at all in a sexual or awkward way. When we got to the door, we stood there staring at each other and then began to snog like crazy! It was cold and he asked if I was sure I didn't want him to come in, and I reminded him that I have a roommate but I checked him in anyway and we locked ourselves in one of the lounges and had a mad snogging for an hour or so til 5 am!!! I don't think I like him as more than a friend but it was HOT!! It also helped that I knew he wouldn't try to get anymore, so I felt comfortable and I was very intoxicated still. Wow, that was fun.
Last night and this morning I worked. I aslo visited Steve's brother Michael as I was able to look up his campus address now that I am a desk clerk. I called Steve, because I had been wanting too and been needing to redeem myself from Friday's 3 1/2 minute drunken message on his voicemail. He said he would call back tonight. I told my roommate Maeva this and she gave me a look. I said, "I have my own life now, I am doing as I please, I even snogged three boys this weekend, whatever!" I don't think she believes me. I don't know if I do either.

Went to a biiiiiiiig party with Brett and some other friends last night, my tolerance was low from not drinking in so long that I ended up pretty drunk. Blake tried to kiss me once but I ended up making out with this guy Sam all night, until he asked me "what if I unbuttoned my pants?" and I freaked out and was like, "NO NO NO NO NO I'M A LADY! NOT A SLUT!" and he said something else and I was like, "OOOh my head hurts, I'm so dizzy, I have to sit down!" and I ran out of the closet to Brett and sat with her and pretended to be too dizzy to function so I wouldn't have to snog Sam anymore. And I actually did like him before, he was cute and seemed sweet but after that I was so pissed and just stuck by Brett the rest of the time. Aaron told me he would make out with me... hahahahaa. Maybe I should have snogged him instead! Well whatever, we're supposed to be going to another party tonight, but I'm going to offer to drive cause I am hungover and I don't want to be tomorrow.

The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. Its being forgotten by the person that you cannot forget.

By afternoon I began to think about Steve, and I started to wonder, will anyone ever truley be able to fill the void he left in me? I mean, fill it completely?? I do miss him so fucking much!!! And I'm sick of it! Sick of not being able to just move past it! This is not like me, with every other breakup I've had someone new within a month or two, and it's not I feel like I "should" be in a relationship, I've truley enjoyed my freedom, I just want to fucking fall out of love with him!

Today was the first day of classes. I had geology which was interesting and I think I will enjoy, and math which was dull and our prof is strange but Brett is in that class which will make it alot of fun. I train tomorrow morning for my new desk clerk job, and start my shifts this weekend. Too bad I work Saturday days, it means I wont get to do day activities very much but at least I have Friday and Saturday nights off. T comes home this weekends (hehehee) and Brett knows of a party or two that we'll be going to. I'm not so much into getting smashed anymore (yessssss, I know I was quite drunk at that last party with the internationals, but it was the last day and the end of finals, blame me?) so we'll see how it goes. And Blake will probably be there and try to snog me, but I don't want to snog anyone who doesn't give me crazy butterflies. Which M and T do. Hahaha.

Blake called yesterday... I don't really know why, he know's I'm not going to have sex with him. Hmmm... well he's nice, and fun to hang out with, and maybe I'd makeout with him again, but I'm kind of over the whole random hookups thing. Leslie and I are good again, she took me on a date to Olive Garden and then we met with the others. I leave to go back to Bozeman tomorrow, I'm sort of excited for what second semester will bring. Actually, I'm really excited. And optimistic.

You grieve at the level you loved.

Last night was a bad night. I layed in bed replaying the last seven months in my head, and it drove me mad. How can one person be allowed to leave such a dent in your heart?! This is what I don't like about comming home, it always feels like I'm returning to my old life, my old insecurities and issues, and the worst of it is, he's not there. We haven't spoken in over a month. I wrote him a love letter after the last time we did, and he never spoke to me again.

New Year's was dull. Everyone wanted to get a hotel room, so we all had to pitch in (I was against the idea, we're all low on money--why spend more... ON A HOTEL IN THE TOWN WE LIVE IN?!) and all they wanted to do was watch movies and I had to sit next to Leslie and Clay and watch them snog all night. It was three couples and Matt and I. Everyone except Les, Clay, Matt, and I left (I felt like I needed to stay since my dad had given me money for the room) and Les and Clay took the room and Matt and I had to share a fold out bed. It's absolutely nothing against Matt- he's one of my friends, but I felt SO awkward sharing a bed with him, and he snored all night so finally I left at 6 am cause I couldn't take it anymore. Leslie said nothing would change when they started dating. It used to be the three of us. Now it's those two letting me watch them snog.
Went to Chad's house last night to watch movies. We kissed a bit, didn't snog, but kissed and it was nice but I could never date him like I wanted to in high school. He's crude and a douche but we can be friends. When I came home and went to bed I had a dream that Tae and I almost kissed but he was hesitating cause the age difference was bothering him and then I woke up.