After being friends since we were 13, Paul and I shared the most amazing kiss on Friday night, holding each other under the stars. The next day I had to watch him flirt to no end with every girl but me at his party. Super.


Rules for Saying Goodbye - Katherine Taylor

One. Do not leave until he has mentioned two ex-girlfriends in casual conversation. If you are sure you want to leave and he has not mentioned two ex-girlfriends in conversation, mention two ex-boyfriends and see what happens.

Two. Leave if he starts writing songs about other people. These will be songs of loss and their details will have nothing to do with you. Shame on you for dating a musician. At your age.

Three. Once you have decided to go, say nice things about him to his friends. Say things they will repeat to him later. Also, and this should be obvious: do not fuck his friends. There is that one who will try to take advantage; the one with all the cashmere sweaters whom you have half a crush on who has already phoned you to ask if everything is all right. Do not do anything that will incriminate you once you are not there to defend yourself.

Four. Buy things to leave in his house, things he won’t have the energy to throw out, like jars of the peanut butter you like. Do not leave things you might want later. Leave hair rubber bands and your toothbrush, but not your Sonicare toothbrush.

Five. Flirt with his mother. Flirt mercilessly until she adores you. Be sure she will chastise him once you go and that she will ask herself repeatedly, “Where did I go wrong?” If you do not smoke, take it up in order to share furtive cigarettes with her in the guest bathroom. Always carry very nice cigarettes, but not overly nice – Nat Sherman, for example, but not Cartier gold-tipped. If you have not already done it by the time you decide to leave, knit a scarf that matches her eyes. When she admires it, take it off your neck and give it to her. It will be easier for her to wear later if she doesn’t think you knitted it specifically for her, and throughout winter and next fall, the scarf itself and his whole family will remind him how gracious you were.

Six. Your handwriting should be ubiquitous: grocery lists left in his coat pockets, telephone messages used as bookmarks, notes on the refrigerator and in his bedside drawer, directions to friends’ houses left in the passenger side door of his car.

Seven. Cry politely. Do not cry like a horse.

Eight. If you must say mean things, say them in a delicate, lovely voice, the same voice you used to say “I love you,” the same voice you used when you made promises you really did intend to keep. Do not shout or make ugly faces.

Nine. The last time he sees you will be the morning. He will come home from work and be surprised to find you gone. Be sure to smell good that morning, even if you have to get up before he does and pat a scent behind your ears. Touch his face softly, even if you have been arguing. Say “goodbye” tenderly, with love, so that he thinks everything will be fine. If you are very good, you will be able to give him that look that assures him everything will be fine, that he will come home and you will be nice again, that all your anger will have turned back to love. This will increase the impact of your departure.

Ten. Write a note on very nice paper. Make it simple. Dear Henry, I have loved you completely. Be too hurt to sign your name.

Eleven. Call a taxi. Have too much pride to phone your brother or your best friend. Leave in tears, broken, and make sure his next door neighbor sees you. She is a stripper and she will comfort him. You will be safe knowing that he’s in the arms of the stripper and not his assistant. Do not go back to retrieve things you have forgotten, like your climbing shoes or laundry you left in the dryer. Once you are gone, be gone for good.

Yeah, I was suuuuuper mentral last night... Martine called and I went and joined the girls for drinks, and found out one of them was a RA... and I thought everyone knew my age, so I blurted, "It doesn't bother you that I'm 18??" WTF SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! INSERT FOOT IN MOUTH!!!! Yeah, she wasn't happy about that, I left awkwardly, she said I was ok this time, just this time. Hehe...

I know I am menstral, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It's been over two weeks since Steve and I spoke. I don't have too large of an urge to call him, but it doesn't keep me from checking my phone in the evenings. I am so unhappy right now. I was supposed to join some friends for drinks for Heidi's birthday, Martine said she would call when they got back from the store, that was two hours ago. Okay. I guess I will just go to bed.
I found out my best friend and an old ex/good friend got drunk and hooked up last weekend, I'm not jealous, other than the fact everyone around me is finding passion. And I am alone. Nobody loves me. My dogs love me, my parents love me, my friends love me, but no one is in love with me. And no one cares.

Helgen va sjekt. Paa Fredag eg va me Brett til Robbie og Beemer's leilihed. Markus, tusk vennen min, sjopt ol til os. Christian og Mike va der og, og alle drakk saaaaaaa mye, men isje meg, eg blir lit lei av alkohol hile tien. Igaar eg va paa Legion (en bar/nattklub) med Winnie og Markus, eg hadde Kathy's id saa d trodde eg va 25. Eg had isje list a bli fulle, og Markus sjopt meg en Tequila Sunrise og e fulte hilt graet, men daa en gutt saa eg danste med sjopt meg en shot, og itte de eg blei saa svimmel. Men de va saa sjekt, de va mange gutter saa snakte og danste med meg, og de va ke eg trengte itte alle dette drit med Steve. De har vaert 2 uger siden han har ringt, sent sms, noeting. Men eg leve ligevel vettdu, eg vet naa ke eg skal jer med liven min, eg vet kem eg e, saa de gaar bra.

Bare tenke litt...

I declared geology as my major. Now I feel like I have motivation, a plan, I now know what I'm working for.

I've written a poem, a song, and drawn.

It's been a week. He hasn't called, texted, nothing. It's as if I never existed, as if he never held me, kissed me, cared. I am trying so hard. I am aware I deleted him from my facebook and phone, but it's not my job to try and make peace with him, I tried, gave him more than enough opportunities to tell the truth. But he doesn't care.

But I will still always love him. Jerk.

Last night went to the winter dance with Matt. It was fun, I needed to dance. And stayed totally sober! Then we came back to my room and just layed on my bed and talked. He's going through the same thing as me, his ex just got a new boyfriend that he found out about Monday, and now just wants to hookup and not worry about relationships. I think he might have been hinting, but he's a friend and I didn't want to risk things being weird the next day. He left around 2.30 amish, and at 3 I went to Blake's to watch Beerfest but we made out instead. Bahahahahaha Steve!

Steve has a new girlfriend. I found out from facebook, RIGHT after comming back to my room from tye-dying a tshirt for him that I was going to put in the care pack to send to him. Fucking facebook! And only a week or so ago he was talking about how he really didn't want any relationships for a while, fucking liar!!! I feel so sick, literally, my body is reacting violently to this. I was up soo late last night sick, and I woke early this morning, sick again. I'm not going to class today. I feel like a body, not a person, just a body.

I'm working on bettering myself.

I really do need to drink much less, I'm getting beer handles.

Fuck you Obama.

I have not eaten any form of meat in six days.

I think I am turning into a full vegitarian. Maybe it's a phase, maybe not, but something it repelling me from flesh.

Halloween was alright. Drove to Wes, Christian, and Peters' apartment, stopped by to take pictures with the internationals first. We went to JT's party, to be honest if I weren't so drunk it wouldn't have been so super. There were lots of people that I graduated high school with, but they were mostly the "popular" crowd that I didn't really talk to. But like I said I was pretty drunk and chatted a bit, but stayed pretty calm cause I didn't want to make a scene of myself infront of them. Afterwards we went back to the apartment and watched scary movies all night, I think that was my favorite part. Except Nathan asked me why I'm still not over Steve, and I said cause I love Steve, and he said that he really thinks I need to enjoy my youth cause Steve and I won't be happening again, even if he does come home next summer. He said this was from his own perspective, Steve didnt' say anything to him, but it still hurt.

The rest of the weekend I just rested and did nothing, went to be early on Saturday and it was great.

I really am trying.