Victoria's Secret started their semi-annual sale today. Chaiyi and I were there by 8.30ish am. We did our part to help the economy.

"Not all love stories have happy endings, but that doesn't make them any less filled with love"

Merry Christmas

End of the semester...

This is Tae, I have a crush on him :P

Things are much better. I am over my virus, and semester ended today. I don't know how I did on my astonomy exam, but I did study so, so hard for it. I also got my final paper back... 94%!!! And... I got a job at the Johnstone front desk for next year!! I am looking forward to a new start in the new year.

Tonight is Winfried's birthday party. Marcus (the one I like) will be there, so that means I can't drink too much... don't want to be a fool infront of him :P

I have a terrible virus, I was up sick until 6 am this morning, slept for a few hours, and woke up sick again. I am feeling slightly better, I became hungry for a late lunch, but once ate (and it wasn't much) I felt sicker. I wanted to go home. I tried to call Steve, his phone is still off. I assume he is in the UK already. Today is very unpleasant.

"What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do"

I need to move on from Steve. I am going to do it. I will let myself be happy with someone else, as terrifying as it is. But I won't worry about it til the end of winter break. But I will. I will be happy.

I will never come over Steve.

I am hungover. Huuuuuuuuuuuung over. Shoot. Well last night hung out with Martine, we just sat in her room and talked and drank lots of wine. Then I ran downstairs and chatted with Ryan and Nathan and ran back up, and down again, and the French and the Scottish guy and the Korean guy were playing Poker in the lobby, so I went and brought Martine down, cause I think I like the Korean guy, Tae, too. Winfried, Jean-Maxime, Gregor, and others came back from bowling, so we chatted with them. Martine went to bed and I stayed in the lobby talking with Winfriend and Jean-Maxime. They left, and the French left too, and I started talking to Tae and we talked for sooooooooo long, it was so nice. Then he decided we should play chess, I don't think he realized I was drunk, but we played, and I lost quickly and explained to him I had drank a bit before and we played again and I lost again, haha. Most difficult game EVER to play intoxicated! But it was really nice hanging out with him, conversation flowed really easily, but then again that could have been the wine. But whatever. I'm pretty sure I like both him and Marcus, but I'll wait til after the winter break to see what happens.

Yesterday was exactly half a year since Steve and I broke up. But it was a good day regardless. I will always love him, and miss him, but I am getting on with life.

Ooooooooh butterflies, you seem to be making your rounds with me. This weekend I may be going skiing at Bridger Bowl with the gorgeous German Marcus and his friends, not to be confused with the other German Markus. I don't know him terribly well, or see him too often, but the few times I do I get big butterflies spazzing in my chest. He's so, so nice, the type of person who sits and talks to anyone who is around him, who seems genuinely interested with everyone. And he holds a gaze, and it makes me weak. Ooooooh I do like him alot. He's 24, so it's unlikely I have a chance, but I do feel like a silly 12 year old girl.

Friday: Hung out with Brett, Nathan, and Robby and the guy's apartment. They played video games while Brett and I looked at hot men in the new People magazine.

Saturday: Went cross-country skiing in Yellowstone with Maeva. That night went to a party with Brett. Didn't drink, it was my second sober Bozeman weekend. I haven't drank in quite a while. Blake tried to hookup with me, but I told him about Paul. I don't think anything's going to happen with Paul. Whatever.

Sunday: Slept all day, did nothing. Ate sweets and talked with Martine in her room and took goofy pictures. Stayed in my pajamas all day.

He wants to be close friends again, he says he's ready. Of course he is, he has moved on, I have not. It hurts far too much, I love him far too deeply and passionatly. He said he would not call again, but that I can call him when I want to talk. I sent him a love/goodbye for now letter. I need to be done with this.

God, mend my heart,

"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel"

I woke up in a good mood today, got lots of things done. Then Steve texted not too long ago, he wants to talk tonight. I am moving on with life, but it's so hard. I sometimes wonder if he has a "Michelle Happiness Radar", and every time I am moving forward he needs to swoop down and put an obstacle in my path. But I am going to get though, get through, get through everything. I know what I want in life, and that is where I am trying to put my heart.

“ For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can’t get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere cause when you find that right person for a kiss, it’s everything. ”

- Greys Anatomy

If nothing else, that kiss on Friday reminded me what true romance feels like.

After being friends since we were 13, Paul and I shared the most amazing kiss on Friday night, holding each other under the stars. The next day I had to watch him flirt to no end with every girl but me at his party. Super.


Rules for Saying Goodbye - Katherine Taylor

One. Do not leave until he has mentioned two ex-girlfriends in casual conversation. If you are sure you want to leave and he has not mentioned two ex-girlfriends in conversation, mention two ex-boyfriends and see what happens.

Two. Leave if he starts writing songs about other people. These will be songs of loss and their details will have nothing to do with you. Shame on you for dating a musician. At your age.

Three. Once you have decided to go, say nice things about him to his friends. Say things they will repeat to him later. Also, and this should be obvious: do not fuck his friends. There is that one who will try to take advantage; the one with all the cashmere sweaters whom you have half a crush on who has already phoned you to ask if everything is all right. Do not do anything that will incriminate you once you are not there to defend yourself.

Four. Buy things to leave in his house, things he won’t have the energy to throw out, like jars of the peanut butter you like. Do not leave things you might want later. Leave hair rubber bands and your toothbrush, but not your Sonicare toothbrush.

Five. Flirt with his mother. Flirt mercilessly until she adores you. Be sure she will chastise him once you go and that she will ask herself repeatedly, “Where did I go wrong?” If you do not smoke, take it up in order to share furtive cigarettes with her in the guest bathroom. Always carry very nice cigarettes, but not overly nice – Nat Sherman, for example, but not Cartier gold-tipped. If you have not already done it by the time you decide to leave, knit a scarf that matches her eyes. When she admires it, take it off your neck and give it to her. It will be easier for her to wear later if she doesn’t think you knitted it specifically for her, and throughout winter and next fall, the scarf itself and his whole family will remind him how gracious you were.

Six. Your handwriting should be ubiquitous: grocery lists left in his coat pockets, telephone messages used as bookmarks, notes on the refrigerator and in his bedside drawer, directions to friends’ houses left in the passenger side door of his car.

Seven. Cry politely. Do not cry like a horse.

Eight. If you must say mean things, say them in a delicate, lovely voice, the same voice you used to say “I love you,” the same voice you used when you made promises you really did intend to keep. Do not shout or make ugly faces.

Nine. The last time he sees you will be the morning. He will come home from work and be surprised to find you gone. Be sure to smell good that morning, even if you have to get up before he does and pat a scent behind your ears. Touch his face softly, even if you have been arguing. Say “goodbye” tenderly, with love, so that he thinks everything will be fine. If you are very good, you will be able to give him that look that assures him everything will be fine, that he will come home and you will be nice again, that all your anger will have turned back to love. This will increase the impact of your departure.

Ten. Write a note on very nice paper. Make it simple. Dear Henry, I have loved you completely. Be too hurt to sign your name.

Eleven. Call a taxi. Have too much pride to phone your brother or your best friend. Leave in tears, broken, and make sure his next door neighbor sees you. She is a stripper and she will comfort him. You will be safe knowing that he’s in the arms of the stripper and not his assistant. Do not go back to retrieve things you have forgotten, like your climbing shoes or laundry you left in the dryer. Once you are gone, be gone for good.

Yeah, I was suuuuuper mentral last night... Martine called and I went and joined the girls for drinks, and found out one of them was a RA... and I thought everyone knew my age, so I blurted, "It doesn't bother you that I'm 18??" WTF SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! INSERT FOOT IN MOUTH!!!! Yeah, she wasn't happy about that, I left awkwardly, she said I was ok this time, just this time. Hehe...

I know I am menstral, but it doesn't make me feel any better. It's been over two weeks since Steve and I spoke. I don't have too large of an urge to call him, but it doesn't keep me from checking my phone in the evenings. I am so unhappy right now. I was supposed to join some friends for drinks for Heidi's birthday, Martine said she would call when they got back from the store, that was two hours ago. Okay. I guess I will just go to bed.
I found out my best friend and an old ex/good friend got drunk and hooked up last weekend, I'm not jealous, other than the fact everyone around me is finding passion. And I am alone. Nobody loves me. My dogs love me, my parents love me, my friends love me, but no one is in love with me. And no one cares.

Helgen va sjekt. Paa Fredag eg va me Brett til Robbie og Beemer's leilihed. Markus, tusk vennen min, sjopt ol til os. Christian og Mike va der og, og alle drakk saaaaaaa mye, men isje meg, eg blir lit lei av alkohol hile tien. Igaar eg va paa Legion (en bar/nattklub) med Winnie og Markus, eg hadde Kathy's id saa d trodde eg va 25. Eg had isje list a bli fulle, og Markus sjopt meg en Tequila Sunrise og e fulte hilt graet, men daa en gutt saa eg danste med sjopt meg en shot, og itte de eg blei saa svimmel. Men de va saa sjekt, de va mange gutter saa snakte og danste med meg, og de va ke eg trengte itte alle dette drit med Steve. De har vaert 2 uger siden han har ringt, sent sms, noeting. Men eg leve ligevel vettdu, eg vet naa ke eg skal jer med liven min, eg vet kem eg e, saa de gaar bra.

Bare tenke litt...

I declared geology as my major. Now I feel like I have motivation, a plan, I now know what I'm working for.

I've written a poem, a song, and drawn.

It's been a week. He hasn't called, texted, nothing. It's as if I never existed, as if he never held me, kissed me, cared. I am trying so hard. I am aware I deleted him from my facebook and phone, but it's not my job to try and make peace with him, I tried, gave him more than enough opportunities to tell the truth. But he doesn't care.

But I will still always love him. Jerk.

Last night went to the winter dance with Matt. It was fun, I needed to dance. And stayed totally sober! Then we came back to my room and just layed on my bed and talked. He's going through the same thing as me, his ex just got a new boyfriend that he found out about Monday, and now just wants to hookup and not worry about relationships. I think he might have been hinting, but he's a friend and I didn't want to risk things being weird the next day. He left around 2.30 amish, and at 3 I went to Blake's to watch Beerfest but we made out instead. Bahahahahaha Steve!

Steve has a new girlfriend. I found out from facebook, RIGHT after comming back to my room from tye-dying a tshirt for him that I was going to put in the care pack to send to him. Fucking facebook! And only a week or so ago he was talking about how he really didn't want any relationships for a while, fucking liar!!! I feel so sick, literally, my body is reacting violently to this. I was up soo late last night sick, and I woke early this morning, sick again. I'm not going to class today. I feel like a body, not a person, just a body.

I'm working on bettering myself.

I really do need to drink much less, I'm getting beer handles.

Fuck you Obama.

I have not eaten any form of meat in six days.

I think I am turning into a full vegitarian. Maybe it's a phase, maybe not, but something it repelling me from flesh.

Halloween was alright. Drove to Wes, Christian, and Peters' apartment, stopped by to take pictures with the internationals first. We went to JT's party, to be honest if I weren't so drunk it wouldn't have been so super. There were lots of people that I graduated high school with, but they were mostly the "popular" crowd that I didn't really talk to. But like I said I was pretty drunk and chatted a bit, but stayed pretty calm cause I didn't want to make a scene of myself infront of them. Afterwards we went back to the apartment and watched scary movies all night, I think that was my favorite part. Except Nathan asked me why I'm still not over Steve, and I said cause I love Steve, and he said that he really thinks I need to enjoy my youth cause Steve and I won't be happening again, even if he does come home next summer. He said this was from his own perspective, Steve didnt' say anything to him, but it still hurt.

The rest of the weekend I just rested and did nothing, went to be early on Saturday and it was great.

I really am trying.

I want to be a better person.

This group I've been hanging out with and called my friends since I got to Bozeman, I knew they were originally Steve's friends but they've been telling Steve EVERYTHING this entire time, Brett! Brett's even been telling him when I've been talking about how I just want to make out! Geezus! I know I haven't made a real emotional connection with anyone friendwise (or otherwise) up here but I thought she was my closest friend up here and here she's been telling him about every boy I've made out with this entire time!!!! I know it was tacky and I do regret it, Steve is angry about me telling him I love him after I've been snogging these guys, he says I've been fucking around with his heart. I guess I was unintentionaly... I feel miserable about it. But I honestly thought Brett was my friend, she should have told me I was being a dumb slut first and brought it to my attention, I really feel so, SO betrayed!! And we are hanging out on Halloween, I am not going to say anything to her about her rattling off to Steve, I've already told her I'll drive cause I don't want to drink. I know if I do drink I'll just become a miserable sloppy drunk cause I've been so depressed. I hate myself and my life and I am just sick of being here and I just want to go home.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

Now Steve is angry with me. He says I have been talking shit about him to his friends. I honestly don't remember, I asked Brett and she says everyone is sick of hearing about Steve and that I did in the begining when I had been drinking, but didn't remember what I said. I don't remember, but I regret it. And now Steve won't talk to me unless it's over texting. Fuck that. He played that game with me this last summer after we broke up. This hurts so much. I just want to love him and have it be okay.

sobriety is awesome.

Steve texted me yesterday morning wishing me a safe trip back to Billings, I didn't respond. This morning he called me, I didn't pick up. He texted me asking if I was avoiding him. Deleted it. Later he texted me again asking if I was at least safe. I said I'm fine. That was that. I am so fucking depressed.

Last night was fun. Party at Clay's house, I was one of the only sober ones... for once.

I got high for the second time in my life last night. Boooooooooo me. I still don't like weed and I won't do it again. And I don't think I'm going to drink this weekend either, I'm depressed enough and that'll just making me even more misserable and a drunken depressive mood will totally kill the party. So I'll keep my drinks virgin.
I am very unhappy.

I did nothing useful today. I did alot of retail therapy with money that I don't have. Didn't even go to math or get my paper in. Probably because I have no will to live----in a non-suicidal way.

Because he fucking doesn't love me anymore. It fucking hurts more than the night we broke up.

I told Steve I love him, and not to hear it back. He said he missed me and would call me the next day. Five days ago. I sent him an angry text last night. I was sleep deprived and crying. He hasn't responded to anything. You would think I would quit this cycle at some point.

This weekend was interesting. On Friday I went to Oktoberfest with the international students, and got really wasted... go figure. But it was alot of fun. Then Markus, Heidi, Nathan, and I went back to Johnstone and Matt and Brad were there and some other people showed up and we played Apples to Apples. Last night I went to Christian, Wes, and Peters' house and Zach and David were there. David was hitting on me, but I would never ever hook up with him. I hooked up with Zach a couple months ago one night when we were waaaaaaaay to smashed to function. I wanted to make out with him just for the sake of making out, Ive felt kind of shitty since I told Steve I still love him a few days ago and he said he'd call me the next day, but of course never did. And making out does make me feel better... pathetic right?!?! What the fuck??! Anyway the boys were fucking glued to the stupid video game and Audrey and I were sooooooo bored so she and her friend got high (I won't touch drugs) and then we got drunk. It just sucked. Blake was texting me and wanted me to come over to watch a movie, aka hookup I bet. He's a good guy, but I think he gets laid alot, and would probably be expecting more, and I never do more than makeout with hookups so I just stayed at the house. I am iming Cassie about Steve right now. It's bringing tears to my eyes.

I really really really need a hot makeout.

I want to makeout sooooooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad...! I mean, I know I've sort of madeout alot since Steve and I broke up... but I really do love him with my entire heart, I truley don't think I'll ever not be inlove with him. Everyone says I shouldn't feel bad, he did break up with me, and I was the one who was willing to do anything in the world to make the distance work, and I know we love each other and he's trying to come back next summer. Ahhhh but I want to makeout sooooooooooo bad! And not a dumb makeout, like last weekend, but one that I actually enjoy, and it's not like I go any further than snogging. Chris and my makeouts were really hot, but I'm totally over him and would never snog such a douche again. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sorry for my hormone driven blog.

Got my Halloween costume!!

I want summer to hurry up and get here so Steve can come home and I can be his little stepford girlfriend and curl up in his arms and cook him yummy food and makeout with his hot face. That assuming he wants to get back together. But I know he still has alot of feelings for me. I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I don't think I will ever not love him.

Quick post, I have homework. Friday I went to a party with Brett, didn't drink, I was driving. Nasty creeper kept hitting on me and refused to leave me alone, so Blake pretended to be my boyfriend so he'd back off. Mostly chatted with Blake, it was cool and I wasn't in a hookup mood at all but then he kissed me out of nowhere and I was like, Ok, it's his birthday and then he started making out with me!! I didn't know what to make of it, he was verrry drunk and I was verrrry sober, but I kind of went along with it cause he's a cool guy and like I said it was his birthday, but it was awkward cause I kept thinking about Steve. I miss him so, SO much. So whatever. I drove Brett and Blake back to Hedges and Blake tried to convince me to stay the night in his dorm and I said no of course. Last night went out to dinner with Brett and Robby, went back to Robby and Nathan's apartment and played drinking games but I got soooooooo sick, which is weird cause I never get sick til the next day, and I had quite a bit of beer but not sooooooo much, I didn't even get as drunk as usual but I think that means my body is building up a tolerance which is baaaad and means I am drinking too much. So I am definatly going to cut back and I really did drink less this weekend than most and I need to continue watching myself. Anyway Brett and I went back to Hedges and I stayed the night there (she used Rob's breathalizer and was good to drive, it registered at 0) and today Audrey's aunt was giving facials so we went there and now I am going to go do my homework THE END.

I am not sure of how safe this blog is.

Eg e sjempe syk idag :[

My tummy hurts.
Last weekend was pretty good. Thursday I was at N. Hedges with some people, we drank a bit, and it doesn't take much for me... BAAAAD I KNOW! But I made sure I got ALL my homework done and even did my weekend's homework before I went, and I drank a liter of water and was good in the morning. Friday was pretty great. I went out with Maeva and met with the other internationals and drank in Pryor, and then we went to some bar/club place and danced and danced and danced but I was pretty drunk to be honest and I made quite the spectical of myself and everyone thought I hooked up with one of the German guys Markus cause I mostly hung out with him, but that was just because he was being so nice and I was drunk and just wanted a friend. But yesterday Maeva told me I was crowding her a bit and asked me if my old friends don't miss having meals with me, and I got the hint and she said I'm of course free to sit with her friends but now I feel so awkward and I just don't know where I belong. And she wasn't being rude about it at all, I need my space too so I am not offended at all, I mean yesterday and today I've been to just Hannon for meals but I never know if I'm going to have someone to sit with, even though I'm so much younger than the internationals it was at least nice knowing I had a group to eat with.. and this week has just been hard and I am menstrally emotional and I REALLY miss Steve like none other... God! What I would give to be curled up next to him!! I just feel really depressed right now and sick (literally-not just stress wise) and I just want to go home but it's supposed to snow this weekend and I'm not driving on the interstate on the ice.

On the bright side, I think Steve and I will be getting back together next summer, we've been talking alot but I don't really know, but I think so. And I am going to not drink so much anymore because I am sick of being a fool and I want to try and work even harder in classes it's just so difficult when I don't even know what I am working for or what I am even trying to achieve.

It's really not even the fact that he changed his mind. Just that he went from snogging my face Wednesday night to not talking for me for the next four days. That's what pissed me off.

Chris called it quits. What the fuck. Just as he had convinced me to get over my antirelationship mindset, he changes his mind.

I just want to get drunk and makeout and feel nothing.

Neither Chris or Steve find it nessisary to return my texts or calls...

what the fuck.


On the bright side I have been sober all weekend!

I'm moving out of my dorm room and into a different hall with a French exchange student. My current roommate has been keeping me up every night and it is affecting my performance in school and I really resent it. But I am keeping things good cause there's no reason to start anything since the problem is being solved anyway. And my new roommate Mauva seems really nice.

He wants me to eventually be his girlfriend and I invited him over yesterday with the intention of telling him I wanted to try it out too but when it came down to it I just couldn't and we made out instead.

Honestly, the thought of a relationship sounds like a death sentence to me.

I really thought I'd be able to just keep hooking up with Chris without getting attatched...
gaaaaaaaaaaaaah I like him sooo much!

I pretty much almost threw myself at him in the middle of math class today. what stopped me? common decentsy I suppose.

Chris came over again last night, after we went to my friend's house for their little weekly party thing. I didn't drink anything and he had only one beer. I feel like it was wrong to take him there, that whole group is Steve's group of friends who just adopted me into their group this year, but Brett convinced me that I haaad to come and bring him with. Chris is soooooo nice, and he just doesn't seem like the type of guy who'd want to just hook up sometimes, that he would actually want a relationship, even though I told him I really don't want a boyfriend on Friday after the party and he was like, "noooooo I just want to hang out!" but he wants to meet for lunch or dinner today and I do actually really like him it's just weird. I don't know what to say about it.

Oh and... Steve is comming back next summer. Hence one of the reasons I don't want to trap myself in a new relationship (but not the only reason). I miss him alot. To be honest I don't think I'll even fully get over him.

But I do reeeeeeeeally like Chris :]

Ummmm... just kidding about this weekend being sober...

So last night C came to my dorm and we walked to the volleyball game and met his roommate there. It was cool but Arizona killed us and C and I left early and came back to my room and I showed him my pictures from Canada, France, and Norway. After that we were going to go to the dance they were having on campus but when we got there it was pretty crappy. It was early, so it was probably just because most people hadn't come yet. His friend new about this party that wasn't too far away so we met up with his roommate and another guy and went to a pirate party, as yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. It was CRAZY! By the end of the night there was at LEASE 80-90 people jammed into this house! I know I said I wouldn't drink, but I did get a little drunk (just to my comfort level, I could still think and walk) and C admitted that he likes me and was really nervous about asking me out! We had alot of fun. I accidentally gave my number to a French foreign exchange student who was there, even though I like C I didn't really think of it like that haha. And there was another guy who kept telling me he loved me every time I ran into him and kept kissing my hand and randomly kissed me on the cheek!
Anyway, long story short C and I came back to my room (roomie is home for the weekend) and he stayed the night. All we did was makeout, I sweeeeeeeear, I don't mess around unless I'm in a serious relationship, but it was fuuuuuuun ;]

What a beautiful day!

Tank: Gap, Vest: Voice of Europe, Skirk: Gap, Tights: H&M

The hot guy in my math class gave me his phone number and wants to meet tonight!!!
Oh and this weekend will be a sober weekend, I need a break.

I am not going to apologize for the fact that I have the libido of a 15 year old boy.

A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.

I spent well over a year living for him, trying to be his stepford girlfriend. I was willing to do fucking ANYTHING to make it work, I even got my old greesy job at Wendy's back so I could budget my money to go visit him in England over Christmas break. But, because I've "changed"
too much, because I made two drunken makeout mistakes (since I've been SINGLE, mind you) he doesn't know if he doesn't want to get back together, and doesn't know if he's going to this summer.

Don't talk of love,

But I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

I am a rock, I am an island.

I used to say... "It's not like I'm drunk every weekend!"

Um... I have not had a sober weekend in a month. Fuck. I already told Brett that I would GLADLY be the designated driver next weekend, I feel soooooooo shitty today. I seriously need to just stop. I mean, of course it's fun at the time, but I have a biiig paper to write today that's due tomorrow, and I seriously just feel like SHIT. And there's no way I'll be able to work off all those beer calories today.. I just feel nausious.



I miss Steve so, so fucking much.

My math teacher reminds me of a ninja turtle. The way he talks and everything. Totally serious.

My parents are comming up to visit today, they'll be here in an hour and a half.

I'm really fuckin worried about the hurricane in Texas. A&M even closed yesterday to let students go home, but Steve is stuck there. I'm reaaaaaaally stressed about it :[

These are some looks I love:

Guess who called

Dress: Mom's vintage, Belt: H&M, Tights: H&M, Shoes: Ross

It took him four days but he did call. And he is pretty upset about my drunken makeout sessions. Not that I blame him, I mean of course we're not together anymore but I was drunk texting him only a couple hours before I snogged Z last Friday telling him how much I love him. Fuckk, I really fucked up. He says he still loves me, and I asked him if I fucked up any future chance we might have had and he says no, he's just pretty upset about the whole thing. I feel sooooooooooo shitty. Fuck me.

To be honest, it's still really confusing. Part of me wants to just go CRAZY and party and drink and snog and just have fun, but the other 90% of me just wants to wait for Steve and have things as they were before.

Og eg savne Norge såååååå fuckin mye, håbe eg kan gå på Bergen Universitet neste år.

I was feeling stressed and fat today. So I rode my bike down to Ross and bought these:

I do feel much better. I also went to another burlesque dancing fitness class. Steve still hasn't called, I've waited three days. I will be moving on now.
Well, you know, I'll try.

And hopefully no one has forgotten what happened today seven years ago. May God be with us.

Top: Indiska, Jeans: Ross, Flats: Bianco

Guess who never called. Go figure.

Yesterday Olivia and I went to a burlesque dancing fitness class, and we're going again today. It was soooooooo much fun!!

I think I may have figured out what I want to do with my life. Maybe. But I can't tell anyone cause I don't want to jinx it. It's given me alot more motivation to work harder in college. But honestly, sometimes I feel so hopeless and ugly, and it's so rediculous. When I lay in bed at night I just wish I could go back to how things were a year ago, with Steve. What the hell Steve. And I think about how the only guys that have hit on me since I got here have been drunk. And we all know how alcohol makes everyone look better. Fuck me I just feel shitty.

Today's Outfit
Cardigan: Old Navy, Tank: Target, Skirt: Mango, Tights: H&M, Flats: Target

I went to go work out at the university gym yesterday for the first time, I took a yoga and a body sculpting class, they both kicked my butt! Afterwards I weighed myself, and it turns out I've lost 5 lbs in the week and a half I've been here! exciting!

I called Steve yesterday, and asked him what am I to him. He said we would talk about it today or tomorrow. Whatever.

Today's Outfit
Scarf: H&M, Tshirt: Ross, Pants: Voice of Europe, Shoes: Richard Tyler

So I've been thinking... what are Steve and I? We are not in a relationship, but we still tell each other we love each other, and he is all the way on the other side of the country... so...? I mean, Friday night was weird, but even in my drunken state I did sort of enjoy it... til I woke up sober the next morning haha. But it's not like I want to be a slut and snog every boy I see every weekend, but what if there is even a bit of a spark? So should I not kiss nice boys when I am not even taken? Not that I have anyone in particular on my mind but what if something did happen... I love Steve with all my heart, and I'm pretty sure that won't be going away... I am just confused.

I flipped out yesterday, and called Steve up bawling and told him everything, including the drunken hookup with M right after we broke up in the begining of summer. I don't know if I should have, he's not my boyfriend, anymore, but we're something, or we were, he says he doesn't think that he thinks any differently, but then again it hasn't sunk in yet. Then he had to go to a meeting and before he hung up he told me that he loves me. I hope he still does.

I went to the house again for another party last night, I had told Steve I wasn't ever going to drink again but after talking to my room mate about it we both decided that moderation is best, especially with my addictive personality that swings from one extreme to the other. I stopped at two beers and declined when offered more. I was sooooo tired, I had only had two and a half hours of sleep the night before, and no naps during the day, so I ended up passing out all cuddled on the couch at around 10.30 and slept through the whole party! And now I have homework.

Gettin an education?

Ummmmm.... wow. Did I ever get shitfaced last night. Tried to send Steve sexy texts and told him how much I love him... and then I got even drunker and made out with this guy Zach I met... gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. And now I am stressing that it might get back to Steve, and then he might not come back for the summer cause maybe he'll see me as a skank... fuck. I mean, last night was fun, just hanging out with everyone...n stuff, but the whole time I was snogging Zach I kept thinking about Steve, and then Zach said something about butterfly kisses and then he mentioned something about smurfs and I felt my eyes well up cause they were all inside things with Steve but I didn't cry, just almost. What the fuck. And then I would stop snogging him and try to go to sleep but everytime he would just want to start talking and asking me about my interests which was sweet but I was really drunk, REALLY tired, and pretty emotional about Steve and really was in no mood to chat. I am feeling like a slut. A shitty slut. I mean, I didn't fool around with Zach, I just don't usually do hookups. I just end up feeling crappy afterwards. I AM SO EMOTIONAL AND I FUCKIN MISS STEVE.

I am a fucking slut and I don't like who I've become this summer.

Today's Outfit
Top: Forever21, Jeans: Ross, Shoes: Payless, Necklace: H&M

Yesterday I rode my bike down to Ross from campus, it's pretty far, a few miles at least, I don't know how many kilometers. I got a big balloon-y embroidered top ($10 (50 nok)), a reaaaally nice pair of skinny jeans that remind me of a pair that Merete had ($8 (40 nok)) and a reeeeeeeally pretty Liz Clairborne dress for only $5!!! (25 nok!) Stopped by Gap and Old Navy, got a bright yellow bikini and a blue button down shirt too. Today I don't start class til 10 am and I was going to go work out this morning but my tummy doesn't feel too good.
Tonight I am going to the campus danse with Brett and her roommate, and then we are going to go pAArty. I need to focus on my work more.

Today's outfit
Top: Ross, Jacket: Costume National, Scarf: Wetseal, Pants: HotTopic, Shoes: Target

So, tomorrow is Friday. I'm going to the first dance with Brett and her roommate and if that ends up kinda sucking we're going to some local concert and after that we're going to a party at Wes's house. So it should be alot of fun. I'm glad that I'm getting to hang out with Steve's friends so much, I know we're not together anymore but he says he's probably comming back next summer and then things will be perfect. I hope. Gaaaaaaah. I really don't notice other guys here. I have met some really gorgeous guys here, like one from Austria (who has a girlfriend) and another from Lyon, France who I forgot to ask his name, but all I can think about when it comes to romance, or snogging hahahaha... is Steve. Last Sunday I drunk dialed Steve (as usual) and told him how much I love him and asked him if he still loves me too and he said yes. And last night I asked him if he meant that or if he was only saying that cause I was intoxicated and might start crying or something if he said no, and he said of course he means it. Stupid fuckin Texas.

Classes started yesterday.

First day of school outfit

Classes started yesterday, I only had two. All the freshman were supposed to go to some boooooooring speech in the evening but I met a group of Scandinavians and Germans who tried to teach me how to walk a tight rope, it was fun and I was pretty excited to speak Norske! Today was much harder, I had four classes and ended up passing out in bed for like two hours afterwards.

I've applied for a part time nanny job for a family that's pretty close to campus. I'd be working all of October and possible more after that but now thinking about it, it will start snowing here in Bozeman soon and it'll suck to ride my bike there in the cold if I get the job. Oh well, the hours are perfect and I would love sooooooooo much to get to cook for the kids. And the pay is pretty good so even if I did end up having to drive it wouldn't be too terrible cause I'd still be able to afford the gas prices.

Okay, college is fun, maybe a bit too much.

So I was able to get a new usb cable for my camera and cell phone recharger and met the neighboors and hung out with my friend Christine from orientation yesterday. And Olivia moved in and things are well with her but she is cranky because it's morning and I kept trying to talk to her haha. Last night Brett brought me to a pAArty at Wes, Michael and Christians's house, that was alot of fun but I am feeling pretty crummy this morning. My fault. But when class actually does start I need to focus on that, I really REALLY need to, so I will have to work on moderation. Okay THE END.

At college, and sick

Had a meltdown yesterday, and ended up sick as fuck with flu like symptoms and I've been that way since. Had to drive two hours to get here, may not sound like alot but when you've got a stomach and headache it's hell. I've locked myself in my room, it hurts my tummy to walk and talk and my neighboors probably think I'm antisocial. Someone may have knocked on my door earlier but it was so soft that I figured it was another room, sorry people I swear I'm nice when I'm not feeling like shit!!!! Oh and I left my fuckin camera cord at home so so much for uploading pictures.

5 days...

til I leave for MSU Bozeman! Sooooo excited! I haven't even started packing yet, the most I've done is fold my sheets and taken out the shoes I want to bring with... at least 15 pairs... sucks for Olivia, my roomie. But we're cool, we've been friends since sophomore year, it'll be fun living with her. AHHHH COLLEGE COLLEGE COLLEGE! The first or second weekend there will be a dance and a football game, I'm excited for that. OH and Steve's friend Brett (who I used to get sooo jealous of, she would always say these awkward things to him around me and I was trying sooooo hard to be friends with her) wants me to come party with her and the rest of Steve's friends in college, that'll be fun and I would like to become friends with Steve's group (even though we're not technically together and he's all the way in fucking Texas) but whatever.

Steve called today.

This morning, actually. So much for my emotional freakout last night (see post below). We talked for 2 - 2 1/2 hours, and it was really nice. I was able to tell him everything I felt the last couple months we were together. He felt so bad about it, but it felt good to get that off my chest, and good to know that even though he was pretty emotionally detatched, or at least acted like it, I know he still loved me and I know he still does, and it's really too bad he's in Texas cause I love him too. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get a second chance some day, but at least we're best friends and I honestly don't think that is going to change.

I'm meeting Jenna and Olivia tonight. Jenna's leaving for Missoula tomorrow morning, I'm going to be pretty sad about that, she has been one of my best friends for the past 5 years, hell, she was my only best friend in 8th grade. We've been through alot, but at least it's only 3 hours away from Bozeman.

Only nine more days of putting up with them...

Bought these today, with a pair of black suede wedges that I couldn't find a picture of and a nice Jones New York brown blouse. I came home and my parents went insane and started yelling at me for "spending all my money on shoes" (okay, I have like 40 pairs... but it's my money!) which went on to how I "don't do anything" and it just went downhill from there. Like my mother has any fucking room to talk. It has been... how many years since she has held a job? And I worked every fucking weekday up until we left for Norway this summer, so I can spend MY money on whatever fucking shoes I want. I am just pissed and angry and I just want to sleep. But Steve said he would call tonight, and here I am starring at my damned phone willing it with my mind to ring. What the hell, I thought I was over this. Okay I am, so I am going to bed and turning off the phone.

I'm alright.

I think about Steve alot. I dream of him alot. I'm not a wreck, and I'm not lonely, I just miss him so much.

The other day I was mowing the lawn, and it smelled like fall, it was peacefull.

I would really like to start a fashion blog, and take pictures of people on the streets with interesting clothes and post them. Unfortunatly, this is Montana, not much in the way of fashion but maybe people will be more creative with their clothes at Bozeman.

Don't look back in anger.

Steve leave for Texas tomorrow morning, I'm going to his house at 3.15 am to say goodbye. We have spent the last three days together, it's been nice, and I've been happy. It's true, he wasn't so nice the last couple months of our relationship, but I know he loves me, and I am going to miss him, so much. I love him so much, but I know it wouldn't work and there's no point for me to even think about it. I just, really really love him, and I am not looking forward to saying goodbye tomorrow, it will kill me. My eyes are swelling. But I will have to survive.

Bare to dager ijen i Norge

Eg e på Merete og Hege's hus. De e alt.