Edda isn't the only one returning this summer, Steve has gotten himself an internship at the Conoco Phillips refinery here for the summer. I aquired this information from running into his brother on campus and facebook stalking his girlfriend a little. Don't judge me, I'm just the only one willing to own up to it! I love him so much still, I would take a damn bullet for him, but he can't even be bothered to text or talk to me; what's the point?! I am not depressed, but I miss him, I do. I know I "shouldn't" and it's been soon two years since we split but it feels like I will never love anyone as I do him. I certainly didn't love Eric. We were together two and half months or so. I spent one day mourning the breakup, the next two angry, and since then I've been indifferent. We've texted since, I told him the other day I'm glad we never made a baby. He said he doesn't want one for a long time. I don't care enough to hate him or be sad. So glad I didn't have any form of sex with him, he does not deserve my vagina or mouth. Yuck. I feel enormous. I've gained wait and I just do not feel feminine and sexy, tomorrow I will be sure to get myself to the gym and quit the eggnog and cookies. It was a good Christmas, I got a top I really wanted from Dillards and YSL Parisienne perfume and lotion, and some other things. I had a lot of fun putting together the gifts for my friends. I got Leslie and Jenna the same pumps in different colors and they both LOVED them, I was pretty thrilled for that. I look forward to the new year, and I would like to make different resolutions this year. I love fresh starts, the new year always seems to give everyone a clean slate and a chance to redeem themselves, and that is something I plan to take advantage of.

I ain't sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don't mind. You just kind of wasted my precious time but don't think twice it's alright.

I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I have a boyfriend?

I pretty much want to live here. I leave for Bozeman tomorrow, I'm so excited.. and ready!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I do not enjoy loosing sleep over some jerk just because he randomly texted me last week, what the hell?! I am so tired, I feel like I haven't slept for days, not just because of jerkface but I just can't seem to get a good rest. Crystallinne invited me to a party last night but I declined and was in bed by 9. Jenna and I are supposed to go work out in a half hour. I just want to curl up on the couch and eat icecream. BUT I WILL NOT. I need to get in shape. ACK. Today my mum and I went shopping at Dillards, they're having a huge sale where everything that's already on sale is an additional 40% off. I got shorts, black skinny jeans, two tops, and two panties... yippie! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Life is good. Chatted with Steve about two weeks ago, fought it out a little and it was good. I am still in love with him and I always will be. Jeff texted me out of the blue Wednesday night like "Hey how's it going? I was thinking about ya blah blah blah blah blah" I talked to him a little but didn't do too much to keep the conversation going and I guess he eventually gave up. Jerk, how dare you make me crazy in my head again! I have deleted the texts so I don't have his number any more, the best I can do is forget about him. Julia has been here from Germany, she's leaving tomorrow afternoon. We've been white water rafting, gone to Bozeman and Red Lodge, it's been fun. Jenna and I have been spending a lot of time together too, lots of little adventures. Yesterday was great, I went rock climbing on the rims in the morning and then last night met with Julia and Jenna and had a picnic and saw The Ugly Truth and then went skinnydipping in Lake Elmo, so scary but thrilling!! We didn't get to sleep til late and had to wake up early so I could drive Julia home, I was going off of 2 or 3 hours of sleep so after breakfast Jenna and I crawled into bed and slept til 3 in the afternoon. Then we went shopping for a bit and got creme brulee ice cream and ate it for dinner! Yumm, but I am getting fatter. We also went to the Holiday station to see if Owen was working and he was. He's shaved off his beard and it looks really good, I totally wanted to snog him and he may or may not of heard me talking to Jenna about him when we were walking back to my car and I didn't see him...

I do not wait for you, but my arms are doors I cannot close.

Today I texted Steve happy birthday. He never responded. I don't know what I expected. I had a meeting for Relay for Life, I'm volunteering tomorrow. A woman asked me how I got involved and I told her I began volunteering every summer after my exboyfriend and his family (the Wirkowskis) had brought me with a few years ago. Apparently she took a pilates class with Steve's mother and started asking me questions about what they're all doing now. Fuck if I know. I wish I did. I fucking care so much. Saturday is Elisa's wedding. I don't want to go. I want to, but I don't because I don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. What the hell, I don't know why I feel like such an antisocial hermit. I still go places with people, even though I have no desire. I just want to stay in my house with my books and my computer and be left alone. I want to go back to school and raise my gpa so I can get out of here, this isn't where I belong, this isn't home. I want to make something of myself, I want to be successful.

When you want to run home, where do you want to run to??
Texas. Or where ever he is.

I am not in an awesome mood today. I mean, things are going well, I have sent in applications to a few places, I am always getting calls and texts from people who want to meet, and Julia is in town for the next month. I had a dream about Jeff last night, that somehow we met up and I asked him why he never called and he told me I was a nag (I'm pretty sure it was for some other reason) and then I woke up and started thinking about Steve and how much I miss him and cried and cried and cried. It's been over a year, how weak!! I am hoping I get a job soon, preferably a waitress job where I'll make lots of tip money.

I cannot wait for fall semester. I need a fresh start; a new beginning. This year has been really hard. Especially with Steve. You know, there was a time I couldn't remember life before him, but when I think about it I don't remember too much after him either... I was a bit too, uh... intoxicated. And I snogged so many boys! Why?!!! It was fun, but I just don't relate to that mindset anymore. And then finally Jeff, who I was completely smitten with. Maybe I was too intense or something, but I wouldn't know cause he never bothered to call or text me back, and that was four weeks ago. He could have at least made some sort of obvious excuse. Ugh! I really am looking forward to going back to school. My workload will be a lot harder but I know what to expect now and what I want to do with life. And I am taking this summer to figure out who I am and what I want. I know what I don't want. I don't want to be too hung over to function every weekend, I don't want to snog almost every boy I think is hot, I don't want to let myself get too attatched to someone just to get hurt. And I want to get over Steve. It's been a year, we don't even speak any more. We're over. We're over. We're over. My life is not.

Tomorrow is one year since Steve and I broke up. My heart has been aching all week. :[

I can submit to everything that has happened and live a life of excuses… or I can push myself. I can push myself and make my life good.

“Eventually one of two things will happen: He’ll realize you’re worth it or you’ll realize he isnt.

Yeah, he never bothered to call or text. I feel I am wasting my time, and I think it's time to worry about other things. Like getting rid of this freshman beer belly.

Just got off the phone with Jeff. We talked for a half hour, I told him about Wes' 21st birthday party tomorrow night and invited him. He already has possible plans to go camping but he said he'd let me know tomorrow. Oooooooooooh gosh!! But I am not getting my hopes up, I do like him a lot but I am just not going to let myself get any more attatched than I already did unless we do become "official"

I got really really really drunk last night with Leslie, Clay, Matt, and Kasey. It was fun, but I had the most terrible hangover today and layed in bed all day, but it was wonderful because the sun was bright and shining on me through my window and the clouds were big and pillowy and I felt like I was melting into my blanket. Apparently I felt the need to drunk text, dial, and facebook everyone last night, including Jeff who didn't pick up or respond, and I am certain I didn't leave any drunken messages. Oh gosh, I should not do that. Ever. I have not heard from him since he called after he went home Wednesday night. Not a text or anything. Not sure what to make of it, but I think the clear message is probably that he is not so interested in me anymore. I will still send him a postcard from Norway and see how things go when I get back but I am not getting my hopes up and I am fine with that. I want to be persued, I hate persuing, and I won't for much longer. Speaking of which, we are leaving for Norway in two days. I haven't started packing yet but I am so excited!

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Jeremiah 17:9

Um, Jeff and I were supposed to meet last night. I texted him at 10.30 and said, "So do you still want to meet? It's getting late" and he called, and said he had gotten so into packing, then got into a big argument with his RA and got so angry that he just drove home to Helena, and had completely forgotten about our plans and he's so sorry sorry sorry blah blah blah, and I'm such a great person, so sweet and genuine and he can tell between golden and BS and that I'm so genuine and he's so greatful he got to know me blah blah blah blah. And I was like, "Ummmmmm, so now what?" and he was like, "What do you mean?" "Well, did you want to hang out this summer?" and he was like, "Yeah of course! Billings isn't that far away, or we could meet in Bozeman for a Saturday and this and this and this" and I was like, "Seriously" "Yeah of course!"
Okaaaaaaaaay... so I don't really know what to make of this guy. He seems so sweet and sincere, his words say one thing but his actions another. How do you just forget about the person you've been snogging for the past few weeks, who's been spending the night with you? Ok, I can give him the benefit of the doubt, but still, I feel I've been the one initiating meeting up the past week or so, but when we meet he's so thrilled to see me and I just don't know what's going on. Is he just buttering me up? or does he like me but is just complicated? After Steve, I don't ever want to be strung along again, I won't do that. Gosh I don't know.

I tried to say hello to you.The last time I spoke to you, I spoke to your voicemail. I was crying and upset and told you I could not speak to you again because I needed to move on. I was sick of relating to an absent person instead of building relationships with those around me. Well, I moved on. This isn't saying I'm over you. I will always, always love you, you made sure to leave your mark within me. But I met someone new and I found a peace that I had not known for over a year. At two o'clock in the morning I realized, hey, I'm okay without you. I'm happy again. I have peace in my heart. And even if things do not work out with this amazing person, for the first time in over a year I have been able to open myself up again, and I've realized I have a lot to offer. And I am over random snogs; after a while making out with strange boys who couldn't care less about what you have to say loses it's thrill. I know I made it hard for you to be friends with me. You were never my friend. I was willing to do anything for you, anything for us, anything in the world to make it work. But something wasn't enough. Maybe you didn't believe in me, but you to pulled me around for months thinking that was the kindest way. It's like a fucking bandaid, you rip it off quickly and it hurts but then it is over, you don't drag it out! I fucking hated myself for months because I could not figure out what I was doing to push you away! And then it was finally over, and I regained myself and found peace over the summer, until we saw each other at the airport and you embraced me and kissed my neck. Then it started all over again. However, you still would not even try. And I made a drunken mistake after that, and I am terribly sorry for that, and you said we could be nothing more than friends and so once again I moved on until you began reminding me of the old days and I fell once again. And you found out I had kissed others... YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE. You eventually said you were over it and things seemed ok and oh my God!!! I loved you so much! You told me you missed me and I made you a care package and then I found out you were with someone new... over FACEBOOK. FUCKING FACEBOOK. And I cut you out of my life but you spoke to me a month later, I told you I couldn't but I began talking to you a month after that, thinking I was ready. And we talked and talked and I thought I was okay, and then you visited over Spring Break. And I could not hold you or kiss you and I just wanted to curl up in your arms as you slept across the room from me and it tore my heart from every seam. And you left but this time you didn't seem to care and I cried and cried just as I had for almost a year. And I thought I was okay again, and I liked someone and we were drunk and snogged again but this time he told me I had to go further with him or he was not interested anymore. I have morals, so I didn't. But I was so upset and drunk and crying and I don't even remember what I said on your voicemail, just that it was excessively long and awkward, but I realized I could no longer go on like this, and so I cut all ties with you and started seeing someone new who gives me tremendous butterflies and who I absolutely adore. And this may not work out, but if nothing else it is a reminder of how it feels just to feel again for the first time in a year!!I was thinking about you today and wanted to say hello. You told me to fuck off.

SMITTEN

Douche List:
Fucktard
Dutch guy
Ogre

I am sick of these idiot who don't care about, literally, anything other than sex!

I will always, always be in complete love with him.

No no no, it's fine. I am going to be a geologist in Norway.

PS- I am awesome.

The only thing worse than an empy bed is a vacant heart laying in one.

Well, I don't know. I don't think I want to tie myself down afterall. I'm in a crap mood. Fuck, I miss Steve. I can't think about anything else. It's been eight fucking months! I will never, never recover.

Yippee! Tae just texted me! I want to snog his face.

We hung out on Friday we watched a movie, and actually watched the movie haha. But it was nice. So maybe he likes me? I can't tell, but I am going to try and get with him on Saturday :]

Steve is comming over spring break. I want to lose 6-7 kg. I want to look amazing. I want to tell him my side of the story. I want him to see I can be a wonderful person too. I want to fight it out for the last time, and have him acknowledge my feelings, and then never speak of it again. I want us to love again, but he still had his dumbfuck girlfriend in Texas.

Tae and I went for coffee yesterday. It was exciting and I was so nervous and I think I am still very fond of him.

I don’t just wantyour heart
I want your flesh,
your skin
and blood and bones,
your voice, your thoughts
your pulse
and most of all your
fingerprints,
everywhere.
— Isobel Thrilling

Scarlette is absolutely undoubtedly the most gorgeous woman on the planet. I covet her confidence and the sex-appeal that radiates from her.

Saturday was even more intense than Friday. I had my first day of work, and had to go in hungoever. I won't complain, that was my own doing. Later that night I met with everyone again and we went back to the house. Sam was there and we were friendly but that was the extent of it, the chemistry was gone. Good ridance! I really did think that girls and boys had the same sex drive, but I had no idea. Then I came to college. I ended up much drunker than the night before, and I ran into so many people and I was SUCH a flirt. I held hands with this guy Patrick most of the night, but I never hooked up with him cause I could see he was far too drunk and I didn't want slober all over my face. There was another guy, I think his name is Keith?? I don't know, but he kissed me and I didn't like it but I went along with it cause I was too drunk to do anything about it. Luckily, I only had to deal with it for a minute or two, when I heard my friends getting ready to leave I BOLTED downstairs and joined them. When we got back to campus, Aaron volunteered to walk me back to my dorm. We were walking and talking about sex stuff, but not at all in a sexual or awkward way. When we got to the door, we stood there staring at each other and then began to snog like crazy! It was cold and he asked if I was sure I didn't want him to come in, and I reminded him that I have a roommate but I checked him in anyway and we locked ourselves in one of the lounges and had a mad snogging for an hour or so til 5 am!!! I don't think I like him as more than a friend but it was HOT!! It also helped that I knew he wouldn't try to get anymore, so I felt comfortable and I was very intoxicated still. Wow, that was fun.
Last night and this morning I worked. I aslo visited Steve's brother Michael as I was able to look up his campus address now that I am a desk clerk. I called Steve, because I had been wanting too and been needing to redeem myself from Friday's 3 1/2 minute drunken message on his voicemail. He said he would call back tonight. I told my roommate Maeva this and she gave me a look. I said, "I have my own life now, I am doing as I please, I even snogged three boys this weekend, whatever!" I don't think she believes me. I don't know if I do either.

Went to a biiiiiiiig party with Brett and some other friends last night, my tolerance was low from not drinking in so long that I ended up pretty drunk. Blake tried to kiss me once but I ended up making out with this guy Sam all night, until he asked me "what if I unbuttoned my pants?" and I freaked out and was like, "NO NO NO NO NO I'M A LADY! NOT A SLUT!" and he said something else and I was like, "OOOh my head hurts, I'm so dizzy, I have to sit down!" and I ran out of the closet to Brett and sat with her and pretended to be too dizzy to function so I wouldn't have to snog Sam anymore. And I actually did like him before, he was cute and seemed sweet but after that I was so pissed and just stuck by Brett the rest of the time. Aaron told me he would make out with me... hahahahaa. Maybe I should have snogged him instead! Well whatever, we're supposed to be going to another party tonight, but I'm going to offer to drive cause I am hungover and I don't want to be tomorrow.

The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. Its being forgotten by the person that you cannot forget.

By afternoon I began to think about Steve, and I started to wonder, will anyone ever truley be able to fill the void he left in me? I mean, fill it completely?? I do miss him so fucking much!!! And I'm sick of it! Sick of not being able to just move past it! This is not like me, with every other breakup I've had someone new within a month or two, and it's not I feel like I "should" be in a relationship, I've truley enjoyed my freedom, I just want to fucking fall out of love with him!

Today was the first day of classes. I had geology which was interesting and I think I will enjoy, and math which was dull and our prof is strange but Brett is in that class which will make it alot of fun. I train tomorrow morning for my new desk clerk job, and start my shifts this weekend. Too bad I work Saturday days, it means I wont get to do day activities very much but at least I have Friday and Saturday nights off. T comes home this weekends (hehehee) and Brett knows of a party or two that we'll be going to. I'm not so much into getting smashed anymore (yessssss, I know I was quite drunk at that last party with the internationals, but it was the last day and the end of finals, blame me?) so we'll see how it goes. And Blake will probably be there and try to snog me, but I don't want to snog anyone who doesn't give me crazy butterflies. Which M and T do. Hahaha.

Blake called yesterday... I don't really know why, he know's I'm not going to have sex with him. Hmmm... well he's nice, and fun to hang out with, and maybe I'd makeout with him again, but I'm kind of over the whole random hookups thing. Leslie and I are good again, she took me on a date to Olive Garden and then we met with the others. I leave to go back to Bozeman tomorrow, I'm sort of excited for what second semester will bring. Actually, I'm really excited. And optimistic.

You grieve at the level you loved.

Last night was a bad night. I layed in bed replaying the last seven months in my head, and it drove me mad. How can one person be allowed to leave such a dent in your heart?! This is what I don't like about comming home, it always feels like I'm returning to my old life, my old insecurities and issues, and the worst of it is, he's not there. We haven't spoken in over a month. I wrote him a love letter after the last time we did, and he never spoke to me again.

New Year's was dull. Everyone wanted to get a hotel room, so we all had to pitch in (I was against the idea, we're all low on money--why spend more... ON A HOTEL IN THE TOWN WE LIVE IN?!) and all they wanted to do was watch movies and I had to sit next to Leslie and Clay and watch them snog all night. It was three couples and Matt and I. Everyone except Les, Clay, Matt, and I left (I felt like I needed to stay since my dad had given me money for the room) and Les and Clay took the room and Matt and I had to share a fold out bed. It's absolutely nothing against Matt- he's one of my friends, but I felt SO awkward sharing a bed with him, and he snored all night so finally I left at 6 am cause I couldn't take it anymore. Leslie said nothing would change when they started dating. It used to be the three of us. Now it's those two letting me watch them snog.
Went to Chad's house last night to watch movies. We kissed a bit, didn't snog, but kissed and it was nice but I could never date him like I wanted to in high school. He's crude and a douche but we can be friends. When I came home and went to bed I had a dream that Tae and I almost kissed but he was hesitating cause the age difference was bothering him and then I woke up.