I want to be a better person.

This group I've been hanging out with and called my friends since I got to Bozeman, I knew they were originally Steve's friends but they've been telling Steve EVERYTHING this entire time, Brett! Brett's even been telling him when I've been talking about how I just want to make out! Geezus! I know I haven't made a real emotional connection with anyone friendwise (or otherwise) up here but I thought she was my closest friend up here and here she's been telling him about every boy I've made out with this entire time!!!! I know it was tacky and I do regret it, Steve is angry about me telling him I love him after I've been snogging these guys, he says I've been fucking around with his heart. I guess I was unintentionaly... I feel miserable about it. But I honestly thought Brett was my friend, she should have told me I was being a dumb slut first and brought it to my attention, I really feel so, SO betrayed!! And we are hanging out on Halloween, I am not going to say anything to her about her rattling off to Steve, I've already told her I'll drive cause I don't want to drink. I know if I do drink I'll just become a miserable sloppy drunk cause I've been so depressed. I hate myself and my life and I am just sick of being here and I just want to go home.

I may have failed but I have loved you from the start.

Now Steve is angry with me. He says I have been talking shit about him to his friends. I honestly don't remember, I asked Brett and she says everyone is sick of hearing about Steve and that I did in the begining when I had been drinking, but didn't remember what I said. I don't remember, but I regret it. And now Steve won't talk to me unless it's over texting. Fuck that. He played that game with me this last summer after we broke up. This hurts so much. I just want to love him and have it be okay.

sobriety is awesome.

Steve texted me yesterday morning wishing me a safe trip back to Billings, I didn't respond. This morning he called me, I didn't pick up. He texted me asking if I was avoiding him. Deleted it. Later he texted me again asking if I was at least safe. I said I'm fine. That was that. I am so fucking depressed.

Last night was fun. Party at Clay's house, I was one of the only sober ones... for once.

I got high for the second time in my life last night. Boooooooooo me. I still don't like weed and I won't do it again. And I don't think I'm going to drink this weekend either, I'm depressed enough and that'll just making me even more misserable and a drunken depressive mood will totally kill the party. So I'll keep my drinks virgin.
I am very unhappy.

I did nothing useful today. I did alot of retail therapy with money that I don't have. Didn't even go to math or get my paper in. Probably because I have no will to live----in a non-suicidal way.

Because he fucking doesn't love me anymore. It fucking hurts more than the night we broke up.

I told Steve I love him, and not to hear it back. He said he missed me and would call me the next day. Five days ago. I sent him an angry text last night. I was sleep deprived and crying. He hasn't responded to anything. You would think I would quit this cycle at some point.

This weekend was interesting. On Friday I went to Oktoberfest with the international students, and got really wasted... go figure. But it was alot of fun. Then Markus, Heidi, Nathan, and I went back to Johnstone and Matt and Brad were there and some other people showed up and we played Apples to Apples. Last night I went to Christian, Wes, and Peters' house and Zach and David were there. David was hitting on me, but I would never ever hook up with him. I hooked up with Zach a couple months ago one night when we were waaaaaaaay to smashed to function. I wanted to make out with him just for the sake of making out, Ive felt kind of shitty since I told Steve I still love him a few days ago and he said he'd call me the next day, but of course never did. And making out does make me feel better... pathetic right?!?! What the fuck??! Anyway the boys were fucking glued to the stupid video game and Audrey and I were sooooooo bored so she and her friend got high (I won't touch drugs) and then we got drunk. It just sucked. Blake was texting me and wanted me to come over to watch a movie, aka hookup I bet. He's a good guy, but I think he gets laid alot, and would probably be expecting more, and I never do more than makeout with hookups so I just stayed at the house. I am iming Cassie about Steve right now. It's bringing tears to my eyes.

I really really really need a hot makeout.

I want to makeout sooooooooooooooooooo baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad...! I mean, I know I've sort of madeout alot since Steve and I broke up... but I really do love him with my entire heart, I truley don't think I'll ever not be inlove with him. Everyone says I shouldn't feel bad, he did break up with me, and I was the one who was willing to do anything in the world to make the distance work, and I know we love each other and he's trying to come back next summer. Ahhhh but I want to makeout sooooooooooo bad! And not a dumb makeout, like last weekend, but one that I actually enjoy, and it's not like I go any further than snogging. Chris and my makeouts were really hot, but I'm totally over him and would never snog such a douche again. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah sorry for my hormone driven blog.

Got my Halloween costume!!

I want summer to hurry up and get here so Steve can come home and I can be his little stepford girlfriend and curl up in his arms and cook him yummy food and makeout with his hot face. That assuming he wants to get back together. But I know he still has alot of feelings for me. I miss him soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. I don't think I will ever not love him.

Quick post, I have homework. Friday I went to a party with Brett, didn't drink, I was driving. Nasty creeper kept hitting on me and refused to leave me alone, so Blake pretended to be my boyfriend so he'd back off. Mostly chatted with Blake, it was cool and I wasn't in a hookup mood at all but then he kissed me out of nowhere and I was like, Ok, it's his birthday and then he started making out with me!! I didn't know what to make of it, he was verrry drunk and I was verrrry sober, but I kind of went along with it cause he's a cool guy and like I said it was his birthday, but it was awkward cause I kept thinking about Steve. I miss him so, SO much. So whatever. I drove Brett and Blake back to Hedges and Blake tried to convince me to stay the night in his dorm and I said no of course. Last night went out to dinner with Brett and Robby, went back to Robby and Nathan's apartment and played drinking games but I got soooooooo sick, which is weird cause I never get sick til the next day, and I had quite a bit of beer but not sooooooo much, I didn't even get as drunk as usual but I think that means my body is building up a tolerance which is baaaad and means I am drinking too much. So I am definatly going to cut back and I really did drink less this weekend than most and I need to continue watching myself. Anyway Brett and I went back to Hedges and I stayed the night there (she used Rob's breathalizer and was good to drive, it registered at 0) and today Audrey's aunt was giving facials so we went there and now I am going to go do my homework THE END.

I am not sure of how safe this blog is.

Eg e sjempe syk idag :[

My tummy hurts.
Last weekend was pretty good. Thursday I was at N. Hedges with some people, we drank a bit, and it doesn't take much for me... BAAAAD I KNOW! But I made sure I got ALL my homework done and even did my weekend's homework before I went, and I drank a liter of water and was good in the morning. Friday was pretty great. I went out with Maeva and met with the other internationals and drank in Pryor, and then we went to some bar/club place and danced and danced and danced but I was pretty drunk to be honest and I made quite the spectical of myself and everyone thought I hooked up with one of the German guys Markus cause I mostly hung out with him, but that was just because he was being so nice and I was drunk and just wanted a friend. But yesterday Maeva told me I was crowding her a bit and asked me if my old friends don't miss having meals with me, and I got the hint and she said I'm of course free to sit with her friends but now I feel so awkward and I just don't know where I belong. And she wasn't being rude about it at all, I need my space too so I am not offended at all, I mean yesterday and today I've been to just Hannon for meals but I never know if I'm going to have someone to sit with, even though I'm so much younger than the internationals it was at least nice knowing I had a group to eat with.. and this week has just been hard and I am menstrally emotional and I REALLY miss Steve like none other... God! What I would give to be curled up next to him!! I just feel really depressed right now and sick (literally-not just stress wise) and I just want to go home but it's supposed to snow this weekend and I'm not driving on the interstate on the ice.

On the bright side, I think Steve and I will be getting back together next summer, we've been talking alot but I don't really know, but I think so. And I am going to not drink so much anymore because I am sick of being a fool and I want to try and work even harder in classes it's just so difficult when I don't even know what I am working for or what I am even trying to achieve.

It's really not even the fact that he changed his mind. Just that he went from snogging my face Wednesday night to not talking for me for the next four days. That's what pissed me off.