Got back with Eric at the end of the semester and found out again what an asshole is he. Hate him. Went to Iceland, Norway, Croatia, and Bosnia, working at Victoria's Secret for the rest of summer. Steve is here and behaved as a bitch boy so I will not be seeing him the entire summer which is just fine. Edda and Julia are here as well. Oh and changed my major to economics.

I am fine. Actually I am great; I am far more myself than I ever was with him. I just don't really give a damn anymore, other than feeling a bit stressed about the summer, but I have every right to. I have so many wonderful people who choose to be in my life, why fret over someone who doesn't want to? I'm not so sad anymore. To be honest I'm angry with everything that happened but I think that means I am finally moving forward.

Valentine's

Had an amazing birthday party last night... got so drunk... not so good. I am giving up alchohol and popcorn for lent. I have an RA interview tomorrow at 1 pm. Things have been going fairly well but it is still deep in the pit of my chest. It's quieted down, but never dies. Never. It will soon have been two years. I am no longer a child... 20 years in three days. I want so bad to have a grip on myself. I want to RECOVER RECOVER RECOVER and disconnect myself completely from every memory of him. FUck. I have so much... I have so many amazing friends who I love and would do anything for me, I go out with boys, I know what I want to do with my life and I have so much fun but he always remains. Love always remains. Like a terrible disease. I cannot comprehend how it is humanly possible to feel such a constant ache at the absence of one person. Out of all the millions of people in the world, one person who left me with a grave of sorrow.

I am home for the night. Had a terrible week. Found out Steve is bringing his girlfriend with him for his summer in Billings, and the reason he has cut all ties with me is because she has forbidden him to have any contact with me. Fucking hell. I want to be free of him. I want to stop loving, caring, crying. Fucking hell. I hooked up with Eric a few weeks ago. Later I found out what a dropkick he really is. Oh well, at least I got the good end of the hookup ;) I think I'm doing alright in school; I certainly try. Even when I found out about Steve's dumb slut... I was hysterical but I sat there at my computer and finished my chemistry homework. I just sort of feel like I will never have true love again and that is terrifying. I don't know.

THE FEAR

Apparently I am on academic probation and if I don't get my shit together I could be kicked out of the university... can they even do that?! I've maintained a 2.0... not great I know, but I've passed my classes (the ones I didn't drop that is) My university is offering a free two day program to help students get back on track, you even get free $50 put on your card to use around campus, but I would have to go back two days early and it will SUCK. But this year I get my shit together. Failure is not an option.

Oh and I think this guy Garrett that I went to middle school with maybe likes me, he's being especially flirty via facebook. He nice, and cute, cuter if he'd shave the gerbil off his chin. But I just don't know, it doesn't seem practical, I live in Bozeman now and I'm going back in probably less than a week. But it's certainly flattering to be flirted with.

Jenna wants nothing to do with me. I don't know what has happened, I don't understand it, and it hurts like hell. She has been my best friend for years, connected at the soul, and now it's done. I am heartbroken.

Edda isn't the only one returning this summer, Steve has gotten himself an internship at the Conoco Phillips refinery here for the summer. I aquired this information from running into his brother on campus and facebook stalking his girlfriend a little. Don't judge me, I'm just the only one willing to own up to it! I love him so much still, I would take a damn bullet for him, but he can't even be bothered to text or talk to me; what's the point?! I am not depressed, but I miss him, I do. I know I "shouldn't" and it's been soon two years since we split but it feels like I will never love anyone as I do him. I certainly didn't love Eric. We were together two and half months or so. I spent one day mourning the breakup, the next two angry, and since then I've been indifferent. We've texted since, I told him the other day I'm glad we never made a baby. He said he doesn't want one for a long time. I don't care enough to hate him or be sad. So glad I didn't have any form of sex with him, he does not deserve my vagina or mouth. Yuck. I feel enormous. I've gained wait and I just do not feel feminine and sexy, tomorrow I will be sure to get myself to the gym and quit the eggnog and cookies. It was a good Christmas, I got a top I really wanted from Dillards and YSL Parisienne perfume and lotion, and some other things. I had a lot of fun putting together the gifts for my friends. I got Leslie and Jenna the same pumps in different colors and they both LOVED them, I was pretty thrilled for that. I look forward to the new year, and I would like to make different resolutions this year. I love fresh starts, the new year always seems to give everyone a clean slate and a chance to redeem themselves, and that is something I plan to take advantage of.

I ain't sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don't mind. You just kind of wasted my precious time but don't think twice it's alright.

I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I have a boyfriend?

I pretty much want to live here. I leave for Bozeman tomorrow, I'm so excited.. and ready!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I do not enjoy loosing sleep over some jerk just because he randomly texted me last week, what the hell?! I am so tired, I feel like I haven't slept for days, not just because of jerkface but I just can't seem to get a good rest. Crystallinne invited me to a party last night but I declined and was in bed by 9. Jenna and I are supposed to go work out in a half hour. I just want to curl up on the couch and eat icecream. BUT I WILL NOT. I need to get in shape. ACK. Today my mum and I went shopping at Dillards, they're having a huge sale where everything that's already on sale is an additional 40% off. I got shorts, black skinny jeans, two tops, and two panties... yippie! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Life is good. Chatted with Steve about two weeks ago, fought it out a little and it was good. I am still in love with him and I always will be. Jeff texted me out of the blue Wednesday night like "Hey how's it going? I was thinking about ya blah blah blah blah blah" I talked to him a little but didn't do too much to keep the conversation going and I guess he eventually gave up. Jerk, how dare you make me crazy in my head again! I have deleted the texts so I don't have his number any more, the best I can do is forget about him. Julia has been here from Germany, she's leaving tomorrow afternoon. We've been white water rafting, gone to Bozeman and Red Lodge, it's been fun. Jenna and I have been spending a lot of time together too, lots of little adventures. Yesterday was great, I went rock climbing on the rims in the morning and then last night met with Julia and Jenna and had a picnic and saw The Ugly Truth and then went skinnydipping in Lake Elmo, so scary but thrilling!! We didn't get to sleep til late and had to wake up early so I could drive Julia home, I was going off of 2 or 3 hours of sleep so after breakfast Jenna and I crawled into bed and slept til 3 in the afternoon. Then we went shopping for a bit and got creme brulee ice cream and ate it for dinner! Yumm, but I am getting fatter. We also went to the Holiday station to see if Owen was working and he was. He's shaved off his beard and it looks really good, I totally wanted to snog him and he may or may not of heard me talking to Jenna about him when we were walking back to my car and I didn't see him...

I do not wait for you, but my arms are doors I cannot close.

Today I texted Steve happy birthday. He never responded. I don't know what I expected. I had a meeting for Relay for Life, I'm volunteering tomorrow. A woman asked me how I got involved and I told her I began volunteering every summer after my exboyfriend and his family (the Wirkowskis) had brought me with a few years ago. Apparently she took a pilates class with Steve's mother and started asking me questions about what they're all doing now. Fuck if I know. I wish I did. I fucking care so much. Saturday is Elisa's wedding. I don't want to go. I want to, but I don't because I don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. What the hell, I don't know why I feel like such an antisocial hermit. I still go places with people, even though I have no desire. I just want to stay in my house with my books and my computer and be left alone. I want to go back to school and raise my gpa so I can get out of here, this isn't where I belong, this isn't home. I want to make something of myself, I want to be successful.

When you want to run home, where do you want to run to??
Texas. Or where ever he is.

I am not in an awesome mood today. I mean, things are going well, I have sent in applications to a few places, I am always getting calls and texts from people who want to meet, and Julia is in town for the next month. I had a dream about Jeff last night, that somehow we met up and I asked him why he never called and he told me I was a nag (I'm pretty sure it was for some other reason) and then I woke up and started thinking about Steve and how much I miss him and cried and cried and cried. It's been over a year, how weak!! I am hoping I get a job soon, preferably a waitress job where I'll make lots of tip money.

I cannot wait for fall semester. I need a fresh start; a new beginning. This year has been really hard. Especially with Steve. You know, there was a time I couldn't remember life before him, but when I think about it I don't remember too much after him either... I was a bit too, uh... intoxicated. And I snogged so many boys! Why?!!! It was fun, but I just don't relate to that mindset anymore. And then finally Jeff, who I was completely smitten with. Maybe I was too intense or something, but I wouldn't know cause he never bothered to call or text me back, and that was four weeks ago. He could have at least made some sort of obvious excuse. Ugh! I really am looking forward to going back to school. My workload will be a lot harder but I know what to expect now and what I want to do with life. And I am taking this summer to figure out who I am and what I want. I know what I don't want. I don't want to be too hung over to function every weekend, I don't want to snog almost every boy I think is hot, I don't want to let myself get too attatched to someone just to get hurt. And I want to get over Steve. It's been a year, we don't even speak any more. We're over. We're over. We're over. My life is not.

Tomorrow is one year since Steve and I broke up. My heart has been aching all week. :[

I can submit to everything that has happened and live a life of excuses… or I can push myself. I can push myself and make my life good.

“Eventually one of two things will happen: He’ll realize you’re worth it or you’ll realize he isnt.

Yeah, he never bothered to call or text. I feel I am wasting my time, and I think it's time to worry about other things. Like getting rid of this freshman beer belly.

Just got off the phone with Jeff. We talked for a half hour, I told him about Wes' 21st birthday party tomorrow night and invited him. He already has possible plans to go camping but he said he'd let me know tomorrow. Oooooooooooh gosh!! But I am not getting my hopes up, I do like him a lot but I am just not going to let myself get any more attatched than I already did unless we do become "official"