Just got off the phone with Jeff. We talked for a half hour, I told him about Wes' 21st birthday party tomorrow night and invited him. He already has possible plans to go camping but he said he'd let me know tomorrow. Oooooooooooh gosh!! But I am not getting my hopes up, I do like him a lot but I am just not going to let myself get any more attatched than I already did unless we do become "official"

I got really really really drunk last night with Leslie, Clay, Matt, and Kasey. It was fun, but I had the most terrible hangover today and layed in bed all day, but it was wonderful because the sun was bright and shining on me through my window and the clouds were big and pillowy and I felt like I was melting into my blanket. Apparently I felt the need to drunk text, dial, and facebook everyone last night, including Jeff who didn't pick up or respond, and I am certain I didn't leave any drunken messages. Oh gosh, I should not do that. Ever. I have not heard from him since he called after he went home Wednesday night. Not a text or anything. Not sure what to make of it, but I think the clear message is probably that he is not so interested in me anymore. I will still send him a postcard from Norway and see how things go when I get back but I am not getting my hopes up and I am fine with that. I want to be persued, I hate persuing, and I won't for much longer. Speaking of which, we are leaving for Norway in two days. I haven't started packing yet but I am so excited!

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Jeremiah 17:9

Um, Jeff and I were supposed to meet last night. I texted him at 10.30 and said, "So do you still want to meet? It's getting late" and he called, and said he had gotten so into packing, then got into a big argument with his RA and got so angry that he just drove home to Helena, and had completely forgotten about our plans and he's so sorry sorry sorry blah blah blah, and I'm such a great person, so sweet and genuine and he can tell between golden and BS and that I'm so genuine and he's so greatful he got to know me blah blah blah blah. And I was like, "Ummmmmm, so now what?" and he was like, "What do you mean?" "Well, did you want to hang out this summer?" and he was like, "Yeah of course! Billings isn't that far away, or we could meet in Bozeman for a Saturday and this and this and this" and I was like, "Seriously" "Yeah of course!"
Okaaaaaaaaay... so I don't really know what to make of this guy. He seems so sweet and sincere, his words say one thing but his actions another. How do you just forget about the person you've been snogging for the past few weeks, who's been spending the night with you? Ok, I can give him the benefit of the doubt, but still, I feel I've been the one initiating meeting up the past week or so, but when we meet he's so thrilled to see me and I just don't know what's going on. Is he just buttering me up? or does he like me but is just complicated? After Steve, I don't ever want to be strung along again, I won't do that. Gosh I don't know.

I tried to say hello to you.The last time I spoke to you, I spoke to your voicemail. I was crying and upset and told you I could not speak to you again because I needed to move on. I was sick of relating to an absent person instead of building relationships with those around me. Well, I moved on. This isn't saying I'm over you. I will always, always love you, you made sure to leave your mark within me. But I met someone new and I found a peace that I had not known for over a year. At two o'clock in the morning I realized, hey, I'm okay without you. I'm happy again. I have peace in my heart. And even if things do not work out with this amazing person, for the first time in over a year I have been able to open myself up again, and I've realized I have a lot to offer. And I am over random snogs; after a while making out with strange boys who couldn't care less about what you have to say loses it's thrill. I know I made it hard for you to be friends with me. You were never my friend. I was willing to do anything for you, anything for us, anything in the world to make it work. But something wasn't enough. Maybe you didn't believe in me, but you to pulled me around for months thinking that was the kindest way. It's like a fucking bandaid, you rip it off quickly and it hurts but then it is over, you don't drag it out! I fucking hated myself for months because I could not figure out what I was doing to push you away! And then it was finally over, and I regained myself and found peace over the summer, until we saw each other at the airport and you embraced me and kissed my neck. Then it started all over again. However, you still would not even try. And I made a drunken mistake after that, and I am terribly sorry for that, and you said we could be nothing more than friends and so once again I moved on until you began reminding me of the old days and I fell once again. And you found out I had kissed others... YOU BROKE UP WITH ME, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE. You eventually said you were over it and things seemed ok and oh my God!!! I loved you so much! You told me you missed me and I made you a care package and then I found out you were with someone new... over FACEBOOK. FUCKING FACEBOOK. And I cut you out of my life but you spoke to me a month later, I told you I couldn't but I began talking to you a month after that, thinking I was ready. And we talked and talked and I thought I was okay, and then you visited over Spring Break. And I could not hold you or kiss you and I just wanted to curl up in your arms as you slept across the room from me and it tore my heart from every seam. And you left but this time you didn't seem to care and I cried and cried just as I had for almost a year. And I thought I was okay again, and I liked someone and we were drunk and snogged again but this time he told me I had to go further with him or he was not interested anymore. I have morals, so I didn't. But I was so upset and drunk and crying and I don't even remember what I said on your voicemail, just that it was excessively long and awkward, but I realized I could no longer go on like this, and so I cut all ties with you and started seeing someone new who gives me tremendous butterflies and who I absolutely adore. And this may not work out, but if nothing else it is a reminder of how it feels just to feel again for the first time in a year!!I was thinking about you today and wanted to say hello. You told me to fuck off.