Got back with Eric at the end of the semester and found out again what an asshole is he. Hate him. Went to Iceland, Norway, Croatia, and Bosnia, working at Victoria's Secret for the rest of summer. Steve is here and behaved as a bitch boy so I will not be seeing him the entire summer which is just fine. Edda and Julia are here as well. Oh and changed my major to economics.

I am fine. Actually I am great; I am far more myself than I ever was with him. I just don't really give a damn anymore, other than feeling a bit stressed about the summer, but I have every right to. I have so many wonderful people who choose to be in my life, why fret over someone who doesn't want to? I'm not so sad anymore. To be honest I'm angry with everything that happened but I think that means I am finally moving forward.

Valentine's

Had an amazing birthday party last night... got so drunk... not so good. I am giving up alchohol and popcorn for lent. I have an RA interview tomorrow at 1 pm. Things have been going fairly well but it is still deep in the pit of my chest. It's quieted down, but never dies. Never. It will soon have been two years. I am no longer a child... 20 years in three days. I want so bad to have a grip on myself. I want to RECOVER RECOVER RECOVER and disconnect myself completely from every memory of him. FUck. I have so much... I have so many amazing friends who I love and would do anything for me, I go out with boys, I know what I want to do with my life and I have so much fun but he always remains. Love always remains. Like a terrible disease. I cannot comprehend how it is humanly possible to feel such a constant ache at the absence of one person. Out of all the millions of people in the world, one person who left me with a grave of sorrow.

I am home for the night. Had a terrible week. Found out Steve is bringing his girlfriend with him for his summer in Billings, and the reason he has cut all ties with me is because she has forbidden him to have any contact with me. Fucking hell. I want to be free of him. I want to stop loving, caring, crying. Fucking hell. I hooked up with Eric a few weeks ago. Later I found out what a dropkick he really is. Oh well, at least I got the good end of the hookup ;) I think I'm doing alright in school; I certainly try. Even when I found out about Steve's dumb slut... I was hysterical but I sat there at my computer and finished my chemistry homework. I just sort of feel like I will never have true love again and that is terrifying. I don't know.

THE FEAR

Apparently I am on academic probation and if I don't get my shit together I could be kicked out of the university... can they even do that?! I've maintained a 2.0... not great I know, but I've passed my classes (the ones I didn't drop that is) My university is offering a free two day program to help students get back on track, you even get free $50 put on your card to use around campus, but I would have to go back two days early and it will SUCK. But this year I get my shit together. Failure is not an option.

Oh and I think this guy Garrett that I went to middle school with maybe likes me, he's being especially flirty via facebook. He nice, and cute, cuter if he'd shave the gerbil off his chin. But I just don't know, it doesn't seem practical, I live in Bozeman now and I'm going back in probably less than a week. But it's certainly flattering to be flirted with.

Jenna wants nothing to do with me. I don't know what has happened, I don't understand it, and it hurts like hell. She has been my best friend for years, connected at the soul, and now it's done. I am heartbroken.

Edda isn't the only one returning this summer, Steve has gotten himself an internship at the Conoco Phillips refinery here for the summer. I aquired this information from running into his brother on campus and facebook stalking his girlfriend a little. Don't judge me, I'm just the only one willing to own up to it! I love him so much still, I would take a damn bullet for him, but he can't even be bothered to text or talk to me; what's the point?! I am not depressed, but I miss him, I do. I know I "shouldn't" and it's been soon two years since we split but it feels like I will never love anyone as I do him. I certainly didn't love Eric. We were together two and half months or so. I spent one day mourning the breakup, the next two angry, and since then I've been indifferent. We've texted since, I told him the other day I'm glad we never made a baby. He said he doesn't want one for a long time. I don't care enough to hate him or be sad. So glad I didn't have any form of sex with him, he does not deserve my vagina or mouth. Yuck. I feel enormous. I've gained wait and I just do not feel feminine and sexy, tomorrow I will be sure to get myself to the gym and quit the eggnog and cookies. It was a good Christmas, I got a top I really wanted from Dillards and YSL Parisienne perfume and lotion, and some other things. I had a lot of fun putting together the gifts for my friends. I got Leslie and Jenna the same pumps in different colors and they both LOVED them, I was pretty thrilled for that. I look forward to the new year, and I would like to make different resolutions this year. I love fresh starts, the new year always seems to give everyone a clean slate and a chance to redeem themselves, and that is something I plan to take advantage of.

I ain't sayin you treated me unkind, you could have done better but I don't mind. You just kind of wasted my precious time but don't think twice it's alright.